Sä painat pääsi mun rinnalleni
Sä kuulet kuinka mun keuhkot vetää rahisten ilmaa sisäänsä ja kuinka ne päästää sen väristen pois, kun kuljetat sormeasi pitkin mun kylkiluita. Lasket niitä. Se kutittaa ja mä yritän tukahduttaa naurun, koska viereisessä huoneessa nukkuu muita.
Kello on vartin yli viisi.
Kasteinen alkusyksyn aamu.
Me puetaan hissuksiin vaatteet päällemme ja kiivetään ulos ikkunasta.
Sä yrität ottaa mun pienemmän kehon vastaan, mutta sä epäonnistut ja me molemmat kaadutaan märkään nurmikkoon. Sen kaiken sekamelskan lomassa sun huulet löytävät tiensä mun huulille ja sä vangitset ne lähes kovakouraiseen suudelmaan, johon mä vastaan vatsanpohjasta kumpuavalla intohimolla.
Sun hengitys pyyhkii hiuksia pois mun korvan päältä.
Mä maistan vielä yöllisen alkoholin sun huulilta. Mä yritän juoda sen maun pois, mutta sä naurat ja työnnät mut päältäsi, autat mut ylös ja tartut kiinni mun kädestäni. Mulla ei ole lapasia. Sä tarjoat omiasi, mutta virnistän ovelasti ja kerron kuinka pahasti kylmät sormet väärässä paikassa voi tappaa loistokkaimmankin hekuman.
Vanha aitta odottaa meitä pihamaan reunamilla. Se kutsuu meitä luokseen sanoen, että osaa pitää salaisuuksia paremmin kuin kukaan muu.
sunnuntai 23. syyskuuta 2012
sunnuntai 16. syyskuuta 2012
Petrified
Anxiety is overwhelming. It eats my soul, little by little. It darkens my heart and it grinds it into dust. But isn't it what we are made from? Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The metamorphosis needs to start from somewhere and what would be greater place than heart? It's so delicate. Easily crushed and manipulated. It can be turned from something beautiful to totally monstrous thing.
I've kept my heart safe from that, at least somehow. It has darkened a little around it's edges and the darkened areas have turned into a stone. But I kept the center of my heart clean. It's the most important part and I wish it no harm, but sometimes it just takes some more damage and even more stone is formed around the edges of my heart. At some point, the stone will take over. After that I will still keep going, but I am not able to live anymore.
Stone will start crumble. It turns into a dust and leaves my body for good. Then I will join this world's group of heartless creatures who just wander around looking for something. Maybe their heart's dust.
As long as I bleed, I will be fine. When I'm done bleeding, I will go to some quiet place and sit there and watch as the humanity burns in the fire that it started by oneself. And I will burn too, but I won't scream. I will laugh as the fire consumes my eyes, as my skin melts and I become only a quiet whisper in this ever-changing universe. I will swim towards the distant stars and make a new home somewhere else, where I can live with my heart full of joy, free from the binding stone and lifeless living.
I've kept my heart safe from that, at least somehow. It has darkened a little around it's edges and the darkened areas have turned into a stone. But I kept the center of my heart clean. It's the most important part and I wish it no harm, but sometimes it just takes some more damage and even more stone is formed around the edges of my heart. At some point, the stone will take over. After that I will still keep going, but I am not able to live anymore.
Stone will start crumble. It turns into a dust and leaves my body for good. Then I will join this world's group of heartless creatures who just wander around looking for something. Maybe their heart's dust.
As long as I bleed, I will be fine. When I'm done bleeding, I will go to some quiet place and sit there and watch as the humanity burns in the fire that it started by oneself. And I will burn too, but I won't scream. I will laugh as the fire consumes my eyes, as my skin melts and I become only a quiet whisper in this ever-changing universe. I will swim towards the distant stars and make a new home somewhere else, where I can live with my heart full of joy, free from the binding stone and lifeless living.
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