The need

I hunger for inappropriate touches in between my legs, murmurs in the dark, shattered promises about bright futures, I hunger for your voice inside me. I thirst for your words, beg for them like a blind man does for spare coins. I need to feel your fingers brushing across my skin, I want to see that curious glint in your eyes as you examine my imperfect body with your steel eyes and I need you to lend your ear for me a while, so I can pour my unbalanced mind there. Because that's all I am, your nervous train wreck, always hoping for the best but knowing better that life is an euthanasia roller coaster with more loops and unbearable pain.
As I write this, I can see your eyes jumping from the sentence to another. I can see how you frown at my choice of words, maybe at my grammar mistakes and how you shake your head and turn to me to say that it's not like that at all, but how would you know? You may feel my anxiety as you hold me through the loud nights, I can tell you about my nightmares and fears, but you cannot feel them and neither I can know what it is like to you.
You don't see my fears when they flash before my eyes and you would just probably laugh at them, because you are invincible, right? How could anything bad happen to you? How could you die? Honestly, I don't know. I just know that every night before I fall asleep, I pray for every known deity to keep you safe, to save you from the pain and burden me instead, to aim that bullet or truck or disease at me so you can live free and happy and sad and powerful. Not only because I want your happiness, but because I'm selfish. I couldn't live a life where your voice would be no more, where I couldn't feel your firm chest beneath my heated palms.

An Old Bed

I imagine my heart as a bed in an abandoned house, located in dark woods.

..... And you were brave enough to wander there and change the old sheets.

"You are everything I want to write about"

I came across this sentence and it immediately made me think of you.

I've written about you hundreds of times before. On the paper, on the back of my hand, on my blog, on my heart.

I'd lie if I'd say that I don't miss you. (And I've said this lie for two thousand times) You came, you saw and you conquered, leaving my heart to the state of desert where nothing grew but bitterness. Bitterness and anger kept me going. And each passing day I love you more, I hate you more. I want to kill you for what you did to me and then to embrace your cold body, for I have forgiven you what you did to me.

People come and go and sometimes they stay, but no one has been able to erase the scars from my heart nor build a well in the bitter desert. No one is willing to build the new houses and castles on the top of my ruins. I think they are haunted by ghost of your memories and what they mean to me. No one is brave enough to exorcise them so they leave them be, building new houses few heartbeats away from the ruins.
 With age they've grown powerful. When they see or feel you, they become restless and my heart aches and new beautiful buildings collapse and their builder leaves, frustrated. Sometimes the builders stay for a while, rebuilding their own village for few times more. But in the end they all will leave and I'm left alone with your memory.

I pray for release. For you are nothing more but memories anymore and memories can be forgotten.

Vessarunoutta

Miksei kukaan kirjoita runoja vessassa istumisesta?
Kuinka rentouttavaa on aamulla ensitöikseen raahautua posliinikaverille
Istahtaa siihen
Ja punnertaa yön aikana kerääntyneet tarpeettomat kuonat alla odottavaan veteen
Tai lukea kirjaa
Pelata käsikonsolilla
Silloin pytty on kuin paras nojatuoli

Sinä vain

Joskus mä mietin mitä kirjoittaa

... ja aivot vaan kumisee tyhjyyttään
Tai sitten siellä on liikaa ajatuksia
yhden ihmisen lajiteltavaksi

Mä keskityn
Ja sä palat kirkkaana mun mielessä

Mä muistelen, koitan ajatella....:

Sun hengitys aamulla mun niskassa
Jalat kietoutuneena mun jalkoihin
Uninen ynähdys vastaukseksi mun huomenen toivotukseen

Ja mä huomaan rakastuvani suhun yhä uudestaan
Juuri sinä hetkenä
(tai kun muistelen sitä)
Ja mä haluan lojua sun kanssa loputtomat aamut

Samalla mä haluan ravistella sua
ja luetella asioita joita sä oot antanut mulle
luvata sulle Otavan taivaalta, koska Kuu on mennyt jo

Itsekkyys

Mä olen itsekäs

Itsekkäämpi kuin moni tietää

Tottakai autan apua tarvitsevia
lainaan lantin jos sellaisen löydän
Pelastan kissan puusta
etsin naapurin kadonneen koiran
vahdin raivostuttavaa siskonpoikaa ilmaiseksi

Mutta mä en halua että kukaan muu yrittää paikata sun haavoja
(vaikka mä en sitä osaakaan)
Mä en halua että muut hajottaa sun jäisen kuoren
(jota mä olen hiljalleen hakannut ohuemmaksi)
Enkä mä halua että kukaan muu saa kokea sun kehos lämpöä
(vaikka ne ehkä tarvitsee sitä enemmän kuin mä)

Woman on the street

Today, I met a woman
Well, I didn't actually meet her
We just happened to pass each other on the street

I don't remember the colour of her hair
Or what she was wearing at that exact moment

I only remember that she was pretty
So pretty it took my breath away
And I scraped my jaw
for dropping it to the ground

For few seconds I fell in love with her
I wanted to marry her and make her mine
Love her, take her for a trip around the world
Make her scream my name while making love to her

For few flying seconds
She was my whole world
My every dream, my future
The entire reason of my existence

But after those seconds I just shook my head
and continued walking to different direction
Afraid to look back and catch a glimpse of her prettiness
For I knew if I'd do that
There would be no turning back